On Not Knowing

Yesterday I found out that one of the people that I worked for freshman year at RPCC was one of the people who committed suicide last year. I feel confused and mixed about the whole ordeal at the moment. I mean I feel like I should have paid more attention to the newspapers. I mean he was an acquaintance but I feel so pathetic in my passivity over the whole situation. Maybe at the moment I did not have the means to deal with the situation. I think I did actively avoid thinking and just tried to externalize the issue by not paying attention to the people who committed suicide. I hope I can change for the better.

On Weakness

Issues and weaknesses. I feel there is a distinction between having issues and a weakness. Weaknesses to me seem to be exploitable and tend to result in negative outcomes for people as a whole but issues only result in a negative result for oneself. I guess I fine that issues are fine to overlook and weaknesses are not since they can damage more than one person but the hard part is telling when an issue becomes a weakness since I feel the transition could occur very quickly and would only require a few decisions made due to the issue at hand.

On Frustration

I don't understand why I play team games. All it results in at the end of the day is massive frustration on my behalf of why people are bad. I don't understand why I bother to emotionally invest myself in people when I know it will lead to frustration. It's like I cling on to some semblance of hope that they will pull through for me and when they don't I just feel screwed. Maybe I have issues and need to just get over it. Only time will tell.

On Sleep

A few days I was exhausted. I do not completely know why but I slept at 11:00 which is quite amazing given that I usually don't sleep till a good measure pass 1:00. Though on the next morning I was still tired.

On Adulthood

Here I am 20 years old, junior year of college. On the midpoint of what is considered real life and the life of a child. As I struggle for some semblance of adulthood I've come to realize it comes at a cost to my parents. As I grow, I desire more autonomy, I desire to make my own mistakes and to learn from them as opposed to having the right choices made for me at all times. Then again for everyone in that age, that is all we seek. A separation of reliance from our parents. We want and maybe even need to feel independent so that we know when we must enter real life we have the strength to survive. More ruminations on this later I hunger.

On Exhaustion

Two nights ago I stayed up all night studying for an exam and missed 2 classes and the gym for 2 days for it. I realize that until exhaustion I seem to drop most of the good habits that I have picked up and now I have to slowly rework them back into my system. It seems that slowly adding things to my routine is difficult to maintain when I need to break from that routine and then returning to the routine is being difficult as it appears my routine is full of small details. For example, I have not posted much of anything in two days and for that I feel badly. Oh well here's hoping for a good recovery.

On Risking Happiness

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket"

It seems simple enough. This is the main idea behind portfolio diversification theory stating people who invest money into financial markets should diversify their portfolio in as many different markets as possible such as foreign stock exchanges. Anyways today I was wondering if we as human beings do this with our own happiness. We emotionally invest ourselves in different things to spread out the risk of being unsatisfied and unhappy with the outcomes that life hands us. Though sometimes it seems difficult not to invest heavily in certain things such as close friendships and romances after all we cannot always control how we feel. Furthermore stock portfolios tend to have a home nation bias and people do tend to tie up their happiness in close friendships, family, romances, and their jobs. I wonder if it could make one subjectively happier to invest in multiple sources of happiness as opposed to fully investing in one form. I mean payouts are different for each form but so are costs and risks. I seriously considering trying to turn this into an Economics or Psychology Honors thesis but unfortunately as of now these are just observations and speculations into the world and not anything substantial in either field at the moment.