On Maturity

Maturity is when you can look back and not feel ashamed of the things you've done. Today a friend of mine found an old Xanga of mine and I read over all of the posts I made. My grammar was atrocious, I hope it is better now. I surprisingly do not feel ashamed or embarrassed about any of the information posted there despite caring very much about the opinion of me that the friend that found the Xanga has. There are quite a few melodramatic posts in there that I am not proud of but I believe I am mature enough now to accept that I was once like that. In another moment of maturity, I think I am slowly trying to let my feelings of her go and move on with my life. She does not give relationships a second try so I guess it may be for the best that I slowly drain out any hopes I have. It has been about 6 months now and though we only dated for about 3-4 months but I have always been one to fall hard despite never being able to show it. There are times I feel like I feel an emotion so deeply that the feeling overwhelms me to the point where I stop feeling. It will be difficult though, a part of me really does wish to remain friends as I suppose that is the mature choice but I find it difficult with my lingering feelings. I feel like my only options are just feel this way forever but endure for the sake of the friendship or push her so far away that I forget. For example, after she found my Xanga, I asked her not to read it just yet. I could not really stop her but I just wanted to be the one to go through the pages and posts first. She gave me a link to one of her's and as much as a part of me wanted to read it to get to know her past better, my feelings told me it would not help my situation. It is a bit sad that my feelings for her only matured after she broke up with me but I guess this suffering is something that results in maturity. She read a list to me yesterday night about suffering for one of her papers. My conclusion from it was suffering is pain and we subject ourselves to mental and physical anguish because that is how mental and physical strength is gained. I am grateful to her for the suffering she has and will put me through because I believe when I reach the light at the end of this tunnel, I will come out a better, more mature person, I am only sad that I could not convince her and/or that she chose not to be beside me when I do.