On Being Vague and Mysterious

Every time after I act mysterious and vague, I wonder why I am that way? Maybe I feel I am slightly more important or get a kind of rise from it. Or it is a means of my trying to make up for my inferiority complex? I have tried many options on trying to overcome said inferiority complex and as is quite obvious none have worked so far. But I feel a strange bout of confidence at times but that seems to be more of a circumstantial feeling. I feel like a good majority of my fear of social rejection has disappeared but my social courage has yet to. I often wonder if I actually need it as I have no idea what I would do with said social courage but I guess I should learn to feel some more feelings first. But in the spirit of mysterious and vague, I am getting a lot better at feeling emotions at the cost of losing control for example yesterday I went out into the middle of the night from about 9-10 because of love on a relatively hopeless search but I felt that I needed to do it to just feel my own emotions. It felt nice afterward to warm up. I will work on the mysterious and vague thing/building more confidence/courage as the days go by.

On Forgive and Forget

Forgive but never forget. Especially when it comes to yourself.

On Starting Over

I want to start over at the beginning of who I am. But this time with much more experience and knowledge of how, what, and who I want to be. It will not be easy, there will be many times I am tempted to revert to who I was and without a real cataclysmic event I have little motivation to stay focused but I will try my best. It will be difficult to explain to those around me what the hell I am doing and why but I find it hard to put my feelings into words as always and my mind needs this refresh. Slowly but surely I will try to edge myself onwards towards this simple but distant goal and then maybe reintegrate myself with everyone.

The Feeling of Hope

"Hope is life" or something along those lines is what a friend of mine told me today and the other day not directly but translated from Latin. Hope plays a motivational role. It drives us to achieve something that we may not without it. In fact, I wonder if anyone would bother with anything if they did not have some semblance of hope that they would even succeed. I guess hope is intricately tied to the what the two would be tied in retrospect. So I suppose we hope for hope to drive us forward. ill in that manner. Thus when we lose hope, we lose the will to go on. So that does make good sense.

The Feeling of Feeling

Sometimes we can control how we feel, other times we cannot? Why? What makes a situation or circumstance such that we can or cannot control how we feel? I truly do wonder.

On Fear

Yesterday in the Daily Sun, a guest columnist openly confessed her feelings for someone she had been drunk texting and said it was preface for her feelings and included an afterword in which she essentially made it even more clear. Now this is brave after all how many of us will publish and let the world know that we are attracted to someone just so that one person can have it clear. She did allow her name to be published which I greatly applaud. So now I wonder what drove her to this? Did her fear disappear or did her confidence appear?

On Self-Respect

Recently I have come to feel that self-respect is a more developed/mature form of pride. But I feel strange when I come to times that I should be more childish and just enjoy life. I feel like I am throwing away my self-respect but am I really throwing it away, is what I wonder? I am beginning to feel as if my inhibitions are not a result of my not wanting to throw away self-respect but more of my not having enough self-respect to act like a fool and still know that deep down inside I am not a fool. Maybe there is a fear of losing who I am as I am decently happy at the moment and I guess I fear losing this happiness chasing another but nothing ventured, nothing gained.

On Being Alone

So today I went to a Phoenix concert. First music concert ever, so congratulations to me. Jump, dance, rock out for a bit so I am happy. Funny thing is I went alone and just rocked out by myself and I realized why I do not attach to people easily. I fear that the happiness that I feel attaching myself to people would destroy my ability to be happy alone. So what to do about this fear? I mean in terms of psyche there is a lot at stake. I risk my ability to be happy alone which is arguably an infinite guarantee as far as I know and put that happiness into someone else's hands. I guess I should try to find a balance but so far that balance has not been easy. I will try to figure something out.

On Forgetting

So yesterday I pretty much forgot to post. A friend/coworker once told me that we forget because we do not care. Back then I disagreed and a part of me would still like to disagree now but over the years it has been a losing battle. The excuse "I just forgot" really does translate to at that time I just did not care enough to remember. So where does that leave us when we forget important things our loved ones remind us to do? I would like to think that it is not the people we do not care about but maybe their message because it is quite difficult to care about everything someone says no matter how important they are to us

On Caring

Every morning I wake up believing that humanity is good but something through out the day makes me wonder what in the world is wrong with some people and then it is a hop and a skip to people are dumb and I hate them all. I think the interesting part is I care which makes me dumb. So I came to the conclusion that people are dumb and I am dumb for caring that they are dumb which makes me a part of people. At this point, I am just frustrated at myself and my naivety in believing in and caring for people in general.

On Lies

I lie to myself everyday. Why? To make myself feel better in the short run. I wonder how much harm I actually do myself with these lies in the long run. I think at the moment I just do not have the heart to forge forward but I do not know where to find the heart and where to find the purpose. So maybe the reason we lie to ourselves is so that we can slowly build up the strength of our heart or maybe we merely seek to delay decisions and required actions. Life is difficult, I wonder if the experience of life is really the same given it were easy.

On the Faint of Heart

There are moments when I look back at myself and wonder if I could have been a better or more courageous person in my own eyes. These moments often occur on elevator rides where I believe a more mature and wiser me would just chat with people on the ride up but sometimes I just fail altogether in trying to talk to the other person. I feel like what I lacked at those moments were heart and not courage. I just did not feel like being a better me. It was not fear of social rejection that stopped me but just not having the heart to start the conversation. I wonder if there is truly some kind of meaning that I am looking for in here.

The Feeling of Nothing

The feeling of nothing is strange. Sometimes to feel nothing is hardest thing to do but other times to feel nothing is the easiest thing to do. Why can we not help the things we care about but chose to escape to feeling nothing when we are suppose to care? For example, if a friend does something that bothers you, why can you not help but feel annoyed but maybe your friend is in a dire medical condition and you feel nothing, distancing yourself from your friend because it hurts too much to feel. I guess what I truly wonder is can you truly help how you feel, if not then who or what can, and if so how do you?

On the Hapiness of Others

Happiness and laughter is contagious. The happiness of others often make us happy. Strange that sometimes the happiness of others however can lead to other emotions such as sadness and anger. These situations do occur hopefully less frequently than being happy for others. But maybe the few difficult times of being happy for other people stems from a sense of selfishness or jealousy. The sadness felt at others' happiness however is an interesting thought. I think it stems from a feeling of being left behind by that person as they maybe have succeeded at something and you do not feel the same sense of success behind it and maybe a pressure to be as successful.

On Rules

I find it undeniable that as we go through life we set rules and boundaries for ourselves to help us define to ourselves who we are and what we believe in. But then I ran into wondering about the question of if these choices define us or are we define ourselves through these choices. I do not know if that question will amount to anything but moving on to my main point. I feel there are some rules and some rigidity that we live by that when we are older, wiser, and more mature (and by when I mean at about 60 years and up of age) that we may wonder was there really a point to it. That in a sense is the answer to the question of do the rules we live by define us or do we define ourselves through them as we could be different if we did not follow such rules.

On Courage

Life takes courage. The courage to just be and just live. But mustering courage is difficult because being courageous requires leaving safety for danger. Hopefully I draw courage from the right sources.

On Life

Wouldn't it be nice sometimes to just not have to live life? Maybe that is what people mean when they say they want a break from reality.